Monday, January 14, 2008

Ford Fusion: If You Want to Drive Like Your Mother Told You Not to

I've been watching Law and Order this evening and it seems like every commercial break has the ad for the 2008 Ford Fusion, featuring young 24-35 year olds demonstrating the features that would be useful to such a demographic.

If you have to drive like a nut job, there's always the Ford Fusion.

I can't find video, but if you've seen it, maybe it made an impression. First, Just-in-Time Justin vaults a rail, dangerously swerves around a garbage truck, and then arrives at his destination right as his clock ticks to 9 AM. He's Justin Time. Oh, pardon me. He's Just In Time. Except where I (and most people) work, it doesn't matter what time you arrive in the parking lot. It's more about when you step in the door, or sign in, or sit at your desk. So, Justin Time is probably just in time to get yelled at by his boss. Remember, the Fusion is aimed at those 24-35 year olds, who are out of college, deep in debt from loans and not quite sure where they are career wise. Justin is a cube slave and we're pretty sure that his boss is a clock watching jerk. So, it's important that Justin get to work on time. I guess that's why he signed up for a $400/month lease for a new Ford Fusion. So he can drive recklessly and be just late, rather than really late. Perhaps $10 for an alarm clock would get him there on time. It's a nice analog clock in the car, though. Too bad it never helped him get to work on time.

Next up is Maria. Maria multi-tasks. Like she drives and does all kinds of business on the phone while she's driving. I will grant that the Fusion apparently comes with a hands free phone that lets you dial with your voice. But, Ford, in what we can only describe as a moment of clarity (I suspect their legal department had something to do with this moment of clarity), puts a disclaimer at the bottom of the screen. They suggest that Maria's behavior might be dangerous and shouldn't be emulated. After all, she's driving around the loop of a parking structure, making multiple phone calls. She's probably also looking at charts and maybe even looking at some fun stuff on You Tube. Like this:

Is there anything better on Youtube? I don't think so.

These reckless drivers are at least reckless in the service of productivity, or a facsimile of productivity in Justin's case. Our final Fusion owner, however, is nothing of the sort. Formula One Frank as he's know, lives only to drive like a nut job. Weaving through traffic, disregarding speed limits, and driving as if he were in a NASCAR race where he could turn left and right. He's also the type of jerk who blindly tosses his keys to a valet, who has to make a diving catch to keep these precious keys off the deck. Jerk might be too light. Ass____ would be how it would come across on a basic cable rebroadcast of this blog. Frank should remember his days as a wage slave. In fact, he's probably tossing his keys to the valet at the restaurant where he works as a prep chef. You know, the last generation off the boat is the worst to the next set of immigrants.

I guess we can conclude that the Ford Fusion is a car so safe (check out the car's site), that you can drive as if safety is no concern.


1 comment:

Heather said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm so glad someone else out there is just as annoyed by Ford's insanely stupid ads. The 'Formula 1 Frank' ad really ticked me off - the name itself seems to make us think that this dipwad is a professional driver. Yet he drives like a complete irresponsible ass. I've been involved in racing for a very long time, I'm in the midst of training to be a professional driver. No decent racer ever, ever drives like that on the road. If they do, they clearly need to be put back through training until they learn to respect the destructive power of stupidity paired with automobiles. I think it's downright dishonest and dangerous for car companies to perpetuate dangerous driving tactics like they have in these ads, and I think it's about time they were held accountable for it.
Also, as a side note, I'd love to find out what Formula 1 thinks of this absurd use of their (copyrighted) name. I'm sure they don't appreciate being linked in any way to reckless driving.